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From: Paul Rubin <no.email@nospam.invalid>
Newsgroups: rec.music.filk
Subject: Re: New filk
Date: Sun, 19 Jan 2025 00:38:45 -0800
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Arthur T. <arthur@munged.invalid> writes:
> If there's anyone left here, I'd like suggestions for a title.
> Similarly, even I have problems keeping scansion on the third line of
> the chorus, so let me know how it works for you.

I don't see obvious scansion errors but I can't tell which part is the
chorus or quite how your lyrics fit.  The original song is this, right?

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG6O4N3wxf8

I kept wanting a bridge verse, something like:

   Your thoughts hypnagogic, have inside-out logic,
   You see how they land, but not whence they flew
   Your bathypelagic[1] is where you make magic,
   The depths of your mind is a cauldron a-brew.

[1] bathypelagic zone = a very deep region of the ocean.  Yes I found
that in a rhyming dictionary.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bathypelagic_zone