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From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1609
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 2024 12:33:41 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu
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Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:29 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1609

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    1609
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1604  11 votes 13250 16310 11513 22340 03431 13232 22223 01433 02423 13340
1604  3.1 mean  3.0   2.4   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.7   3.5   2.9

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:30 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-01

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center
> of a Tootsie Pop,
>
> what time is it in London?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're thinking of New London, which is in Connecticut, not Lost London
} which is in Disconnecticut which is why nobody's ever heard of it.
} Regardless, it's too late and you should be asleep. You owe the Oracle
} a new antique Rolex.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:31 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-02

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Do you ever just get tired of stuff? Like the dishes. You do the dishes
> then you gotta do them again and on and on and on. It's Sisyphean. not
> syphilian though that's something different. Although it would be very
> easy to get tired of syphilis too i suppose. Anyway my question is
> what would happen if goldfish grew legs

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go and observe your goldfish. If you wait long enough you'll see that
} they are growing legs.
}
} Oh, oh, look! There's one sprouting legs right now.
}
} Sorry, that's not a goldfish, it's a tadpole. It'll soon be a frog,
} awaiting the kiss of a voluptuous girl.
}
} NOT YOU, STUPID! DO NOT KISS THAT FROG!!
}
} ( * (SPROING!) )
}
} Dammit, now you've done it. You've turned a beautiful but slimy green
} frog into an ugly toad. You owe the Oracle an invitation to the
} wedding, which I shall happily decline.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:32 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-03

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Our pastor has just renamed our church (he says it's HIS church). It is
> now The Churchh of the Appoplectic Revivial. Should I simply change to
> being Catholic? Or Jewish? Or something else? What would be best?
> Sunday approaches and I really don't want to be there.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should start your own religion; it's what all the best people do
} (many of the worst as well).
}
} Some suggestions for making your new cult successful:
}
} 1) Make sure the rules are very specific. Nothing as general as "Do
} unto others as you have them do unto you". Try, "Give small ceramic
} frogs to people with whom you've had a minor falling out on the
} anniversary of your first meeting."
}
} 2) Introduce some penalty for non-adherents. Preferably something that
} will convince enough gullible, confirmation-bias-susceptible people
} there's something in it: If you do not follow me with enough fervour,
} you will occasionally be attacked by gulls.
}
} 3) Ensure your followers can identify themselves and anyone not inside
} the cult: Our followers always carry a ball of lavender soaked in the
} sap of three stick-insects.
}
} 4) Discover some miracles that can't be disproved easily. Anything as
} obvious as "Wanlockhead was saved from flooding by divine providence"
} when we know perfectly well that Wanlockhead is 467m above sea-level
} and had no chance of flooding in a month of Mondays is not good. Try,
} "The plague of foxes was poised to invade Borth when a
} divinely-inspired sheep dropped from a tree onto the fox-chief's
} head."
}
} 5) Surround yourself with a few close adherents: Pick the friends who
} don't know you that well. Your closest friends will just point out
} that it's Trevor spouting rubbish again. Others will be so glad to see
} you again after all these years that they'll go along with whatever
} you say for a laugh. Once you induce guilt in them, they'll stay for a
} lifetime.
}
} 5b) While we're at it, change your name. No divinely inspired leader
} was called Trevor. Find a name from a distant country (or the past)
} that sounds a bit mystic and royal and use that. Try "Ethelred Khan
} the Crown Prince of Upper Hand"
}
} 6) Create some form of ritual: Say you meet up on Tuesdays after
} pub-closing time (if the pubs don't shut before your bedtime, petition
} the council until they do), where you all don beach shorts on your
} hands and walk around on all fours reciting the last three verses of
} The Hunting of The Snark.
}
} 7) Prepare for succession. When you die (or at least stop moving),
} your followers will become disillusioned and drift away. If you want
} the cult/guilt to survive after your death, claim that the most
} fervent adherent of the inner circle will inherit the beach shorts of
} superiority and your personal copy of Alice In Wonderland. Leave each
} of these to a different person in your will and let them fight it out
} later. If you're lucky, one of them will claim to have been given
} metaphorical beach shorts, at which point we're in the realms of the
} supernatural (or at least super-disturbing naturism) and the cult is
} ripe for expansion.
}
} You owe the Oracle two ceramic frogs for not coming to Snark practice
} for the last two Tuesdays. If you don't, may you forever be losing
} pens and small change to Barry, my pet gull.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:33 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-04

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> You read my report on the Hoover Damn, which I didn't understand at
> all, as I thought it was a cursed vacuum cleaner. Now I just found out
> it has water in it. The Rainbow brand vacuum has water in it, but the
> Hoover does not. Please help me learn selective memory rewriting so I
> can be slightly less wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can fine tune your memory as follows:
}
} 1) Bring a topic to the forefront of your mind.
} 2) Very gently hit yourself on the forefront of your mind to destroy
}    the memory.
} 3) Try to remember why you hit yourself on the head in the first place.
}
} This is a technique that Zadoc has used several times, and as a result
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