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From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1610
Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2025 19:27:08 -0000 (UTC)
Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC
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Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:56 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1610

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
    1610
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1605  11 votes 22511 34400 31412 12233 01613 03251 13241 13412 02432 33230
1605  3.0 mean  2.7   2.1   2.8   3.5   3.5   3.4   3.1   3.0   3.5   2.5

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-01

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> It's time for Quantum Mechanics again.
>
> My grandfather drives a 1948 Quantum, the model with the built-in view
> of Wiscasset Harbor engraved into the windshield. The automobile repair
> shop here in Wiscasset refuses to work on it. "Ya need a boatyahd for
> that thing. And the Hespeh and the Lutheh Little would be easieh to
> work on than that old hulk."
>
> Grandfather reminded the mechanic that the derelict schooners Hesper
> and Luther Little had been broken up and hauled away in 1998, but that
> they remained in the view in the windshield. The mechanic said, "Any
> cahh that relies on an anchuh for brakes is dangerous. Ayuh." He
> inhaled that last word in proper Maine dialect fashion. And he was
> right. Grandfather did have to toss out an anchor, even just for going
> downhill.
>
> Where in Maine or perhaps New Hampshire can I find a good Quantum
> Mechanic? Preferably in a flat area. Grandfather is running short of
> anchors.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant, I see you've stumbled upon the mysteries of Quantum
} Mechanics, Maine Edition. This is no mere vehicle; it's a metaphysical
} schooner on wheels. Now, to find a proper Quantum Mechanic...well,
} it's as you feared: it's less about finding a mechanic and more about
} adjusting your own frame of reference to align with the car's...quirks.
} You see, that '48 Quantum doesn't move so much as it exists in multiple
} states along Route 1, only partially tethered to our reality by that
} trusty anchor.
}
} What you need to do is approach a mechanic with a quantum mindset,
} which means accepting that this old jalopy may be fixed, broken, or
} possibly driving itself to Bar Harbor as we speak. Here's what you
} do: Head down the road a piece and when you get to the fork, take
} the way that feels correct...but if you start seeing apple trees,
} turn around, you've gone too far into the superposition. Now, if the
} mechanic gives you a funny look, try saying "Ayuh," and nod like you
} understand the mysteries of spacetime.  In a pinch, head south until
} the tourists start showing up; they're usually a good sign you're
} close to another reality.
}
} And payment? You owe the Oracle a vegan clam chowder recipe that's
} mostly potato...no skimping on the salt pork.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-02

Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Crazy homework time again. Our history teacher wants a report on the
> Soviet Union (CCCP) but my worst friend Jimmy Blavetskii whose mother
> was born there thinks he doesn't need to bother. He has a report
> called "The Solvit Onion Like It Or Leave It" that he stole from his
> mother. He's going to hand it in as his own. Which is plangarythm. How
> can anyone think about something like that? Jimmy claims his mother
> probably just made it all up because otherwise she would still be in
> Siberia working at the Kestyor Mammoth Tusk Factory.
>
> A mammoth tusk would be cool, and I could make it part of my report.
> How can I steal one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a sad time this is, when supplicants don't grovel as they once
} did. Back in my day, you'd get a right proper ZOTing for that. But
} perhaps the Oracle needs to be the bigger sapient being and accept
} that times change and groveling is no longer an acceptable form of
} payment. It is, after all, approximately this the year of our lord
} and savior Seneca the Younger, Two Thousand and Twenty Four. Maybe
} it's not the kids who are wrong, maybe it is indeed the Oracle who
} is out of touch.
}
} The Solvit Onion did make the best mammoth tusks, so many years ago,
} but these days they are harder to find. It turns out, the chief
} component of a good, high quality tusk is ground grovels, so
} they're in rather short supply these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a single plangarythm, performed to the style of
} Michael Jackson's Bad, which was still in vogue the last time I saw
} a good grovel.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:59 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-03

Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What can you do to help access the accuracy and attribution of the
> following quotation?
>
> "I am known as a quotation magnet, and many clever sayings are
>  reassigned to me over time." --Mark Twain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quotation magnet is apparently a magnet with a quotation on it.
} Here are a few:
} "The secret to getting ahead is a secret." --Mark Twain
} "The only thing we have to fear is a really scary monster." --Mark Twain
} "I have a nightmare." --Mark Twain
} "Let he who is without sin cast the first dice." --Mark Twain
} "Three quotes? Add a quote and make it a gallon." --Mark Twain
} "Ask not [put anything here]." --Mark Twain
} "The Oracle requires an answer to the meaning of life." --Mark Twain
} "Quoting 'He's so fine' in 'My Sweet Lord' cost me a million dollars."
}  --Mark Twain
} "I never said this." --Mark Twain
} "I really didn't say everything I said." --Mark Twain
} "Don't believe everything you read on the internet." --Mark Twain
} "My name isn't Mark Twain, it's" --Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:00 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <vote@internetoracle.org>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-04

Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Which house is it on, and how do I get it down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, yes, Frisbeeterianism, the belief that your soul goes up on the
} roof and gets stuck. Many people encounter the sign of this belief, but
} few actually believe, especially to your level of faith.
}
} My advice?
}
} Prey.
}
} Prey??? YES!!!
}
} Adopt a bird of prey, such as a hawk or eagle and then you can prey for
} success. You'll win an extra Frisbee, your neighbor's, that was stuck
} up there with yours.
}
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