Path: ...!news.misty.com!weretis.net!feeder9.news.weretis.net!panix!.POSTED.panix6.panix.com!eli!not-for-mail From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1609 Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: Mon, 4 Nov 2024 12:33:41 -0000 (UTC) Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu Message-ID: Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org Injection-Date: Mon, 4 Nov 2024 12:33:41 -0000 (UTC) Injection-Info: reader1.panix.com; posting-host="panix6.panix.com:166.84.1.6"; logging-data="3834"; mail-complaints-to="abuse@panix.com" Bytes: 21197 Lines: 501 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:29 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1609 To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1609 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1604 11 votes 13250 16310 11513 22340 03431 13232 22223 01433 02423 13340 1604 3.1 mean 3.0 2.4 3.4 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.7 3.5 2.9 ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:30 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-01 Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center > of a Tootsie Pop, > > what time is it in London? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're thinking of New London, which is in Connecticut, not Lost London } which is in Disconnecticut which is why nobody's ever heard of it. } Regardless, it's too late and you should be asleep. You owe the Oracle } a new antique Rolex. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:31 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-02 Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you ever just get tired of stuff? Like the dishes. You do the dishes > then you gotta do them again and on and on and on. It's Sisyphean. not > syphilian though that's something different. Although it would be very > easy to get tired of syphilis too i suppose. Anyway my question is > what would happen if goldfish grew legs And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go and observe your goldfish. If you wait long enough you'll see that } they are growing legs. } } Oh, oh, look! There's one sprouting legs right now. } } Sorry, that's not a goldfish, it's a tadpole. It'll soon be a frog, } awaiting the kiss of a voluptuous girl. } } NOT YOU, STUPID! DO NOT KISS THAT FROG!! } } ( * (SPROING!) ) } } Dammit, now you've done it. You've turned a beautiful but slimy green } frog into an ugly toad. You owe the Oracle an invitation to the } wedding, which I shall happily decline. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:32 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-03 Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Our pastor has just renamed our church (he says it's HIS church). It is > now The Churchh of the Appoplectic Revivial. Should I simply change to > being Catholic? Or Jewish? Or something else? What would be best? > Sunday approaches and I really don't want to be there. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should start your own religion; it's what all the best people do } (many of the worst as well). } } Some suggestions for making your new cult successful: } } 1) Make sure the rules are very specific. Nothing as general as "Do } unto others as you have them do unto you". Try, "Give small ceramic } frogs to people with whom you've had a minor falling out on the } anniversary of your first meeting." } } 2) Introduce some penalty for non-adherents. Preferably something that } will convince enough gullible, confirmation-bias-susceptible people } there's something in it: If you do not follow me with enough fervour, } you will occasionally be attacked by gulls. } } 3) Ensure your followers can identify themselves and anyone not inside } the cult: Our followers always carry a ball of lavender soaked in the } sap of three stick-insects. } } 4) Discover some miracles that can't be disproved easily. Anything as } obvious as "Wanlockhead was saved from flooding by divine providence" } when we know perfectly well that Wanlockhead is 467m above sea-level } and had no chance of flooding in a month of Mondays is not good. Try, } "The plague of foxes was poised to invade Borth when a } divinely-inspired sheep dropped from a tree onto the fox-chief's } head." } } 5) Surround yourself with a few close adherents: Pick the friends who } don't know you that well. Your closest friends will just point out } that it's Trevor spouting rubbish again. Others will be so glad to see } you again after all these years that they'll go along with whatever } you say for a laugh. Once you induce guilt in them, they'll stay for a } lifetime. } } 5b) While we're at it, change your name. No divinely inspired leader } was called Trevor. Find a name from a distant country (or the past) } that sounds a bit mystic and royal and use that. Try "Ethelred Khan } the Crown Prince of Upper Hand" } } 6) Create some form of ritual: Say you meet up on Tuesdays after } pub-closing time (if the pubs don't shut before your bedtime, petition } the council until they do), where you all don beach shorts on your } hands and walk around on all fours reciting the last three verses of } The Hunting of The Snark. } } 7) Prepare for succession. When you die (or at least stop moving), } your followers will become disillusioned and drift away. If you want } the cult/guilt to survive after your death, claim that the most } fervent adherent of the inner circle will inherit the beach shorts of } superiority and your personal copy of Alice In Wonderland. Leave each } of these to a different person in your will and let them fight it out } later. If you're lucky, one of them will claim to have been given } metaphorical beach shorts, at which point we're in the realms of the } supernatural (or at least super-disturbing naturism) and the cult is } ripe for expansion. } } You owe the Oracle two ceramic frogs for not coming to Snark practice } for the last two Tuesdays. If you don't, may you forever be losing } pens and small change to Barry, my pet gull. ------------------------------ Date: Mon, 04 Nov 24 07:33:33 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1609-04 Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You read my report on the Hoover Damn, which I didn't understand at > all, as I thought it was a cursed vacuum cleaner. Now I just found out > it has water in it. The Rainbow brand vacuum has water in it, but the > Hoover does not. Please help me learn selective memory rewriting so I > can be slightly less wrong. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can fine tune your memory as follows: } } 1) Bring a topic to the forefront of your mind. } 2) Very gently hit yourself on the forefront of your mind to destroy } the memory. } 3) Try to remember why you hit yourself on the head in the first place. } } This is a technique that Zadoc has used several times, and as a result ========== REMAINDER OF ARTICLE TRUNCATED ==========