Path: ...!weretis.net!feeder9.news.weretis.net!panix!.POSTED.panix6.panix.com!eli!not-for-mail From: oracle-request@internetoracle.org Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1610 Followup-To: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2025 19:27:08 -0000 (UTC) Organization: PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC Approved: oracle-mod@cs.indiana.edu Message-ID: Reply-To: vote@internetoracle.org Injection-Date: Sun, 2 Feb 2025 19:27:08 -0000 (UTC) Injection-Info: reader2.panix.com; posting-host="panix6.panix.com:166.84.1.6"; logging-data="27902"; mail-complaints-to="abuse@panix.com" Bytes: 19128 Lines: 449 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:56 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1610 To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to http://internetoracle.org/ ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen B Kinzler.) Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message). For example: 1610 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 1605 11 votes 22511 34400 31412 12233 01613 03251 13241 13412 02432 33230 1605 3.0 mean 2.7 2.1 2.8 3.5 3.5 3.4 3.1 3.0 3.5 2.5 ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:57 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-01 Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's time for Quantum Mechanics again. > > My grandfather drives a 1948 Quantum, the model with the built-in view > of Wiscasset Harbor engraved into the windshield. The automobile repair > shop here in Wiscasset refuses to work on it. "Ya need a boatyahd for > that thing. And the Hespeh and the Lutheh Little would be easieh to > work on than that old hulk." > > Grandfather reminded the mechanic that the derelict schooners Hesper > and Luther Little had been broken up and hauled away in 1998, but that > they remained in the view in the windshield. The mechanic said, "Any > cahh that relies on an anchuh for brakes is dangerous. Ayuh." He > inhaled that last word in proper Maine dialect fashion. And he was > right. Grandfather did have to toss out an anchor, even just for going > downhill. > > Where in Maine or perhaps New Hampshire can I find a good Quantum > Mechanic? Preferably in a flat area. Grandfather is running short of > anchors. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Supplicant, I see you've stumbled upon the mysteries of Quantum } Mechanics, Maine Edition. This is no mere vehicle; it's a metaphysical } schooner on wheels. Now, to find a proper Quantum Mechanic...well, } it's as you feared: it's less about finding a mechanic and more about } adjusting your own frame of reference to align with the car's...quirks. } You see, that '48 Quantum doesn't move so much as it exists in multiple } states along Route 1, only partially tethered to our reality by that } trusty anchor. } } What you need to do is approach a mechanic with a quantum mindset, } which means accepting that this old jalopy may be fixed, broken, or } possibly driving itself to Bar Harbor as we speak. Here's what you } do: Head down the road a piece and when you get to the fork, take } the way that feels correct...but if you start seeing apple trees, } turn around, you've gone too far into the superposition. Now, if the } mechanic gives you a funny look, try saying "Ayuh," and nod like you } understand the mysteries of spacetime. In a pinch, head south until } the tourists start showing up; they're usually a good sign you're } close to another reality. } } And payment? You owe the Oracle a vegan clam chowder recipe that's } mostly potato...no skimping on the salt pork. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:58 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-02 Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Crazy homework time again. Our history teacher wants a report on the > Soviet Union (CCCP) but my worst friend Jimmy Blavetskii whose mother > was born there thinks he doesn't need to bother. He has a report > called "The Solvit Onion Like It Or Leave It" that he stole from his > mother. He's going to hand it in as his own. Which is plangarythm. How > can anyone think about something like that? Jimmy claims his mother > probably just made it all up because otherwise she would still be in > Siberia working at the Kestyor Mammoth Tusk Factory. > > A mammoth tusk would be cool, and I could make it part of my report. > How can I steal one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a sad time this is, when supplicants don't grovel as they once } did. Back in my day, you'd get a right proper ZOTing for that. But } perhaps the Oracle needs to be the bigger sapient being and accept } that times change and groveling is no longer an acceptable form of } payment. It is, after all, approximately this the year of our lord } and savior Seneca the Younger, Two Thousand and Twenty Four. Maybe } it's not the kids who are wrong, maybe it is indeed the Oracle who } is out of touch. } } The Solvit Onion did make the best mammoth tusks, so many years ago, } but these days they are harder to find. It turns out, the chief } component of a good, high quality tusk is ground grovels, so } they're in rather short supply these days. } } You owe the Oracle a single plangarythm, performed to the style of } Michael Jackson's Bad, which was still in vogue the last time I saw } a good grovel. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:26:59 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-03 Selected-By: David Hemming The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can you do to help access the accuracy and attribution of the > following quotation? > > "I am known as a quotation magnet, and many clever sayings are > reassigned to me over time." --Mark Twain And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A quotation magnet is apparently a magnet with a quotation on it. } Here are a few: } "The secret to getting ahead is a secret." --Mark Twain } "The only thing we have to fear is a really scary monster." --Mark Twain } "I have a nightmare." --Mark Twain } "Let he who is without sin cast the first dice." --Mark Twain } "Three quotes? Add a quote and make it a gallon." --Mark Twain } "Ask not [put anything here]." --Mark Twain } "The Oracle requires an answer to the meaning of life." --Mark Twain } "Quoting 'He's so fine' in 'My Sweet Lord' cost me a million dollars." } --Mark Twain } "I never said this." --Mark Twain } "I really didn't say everything I said." --Mark Twain } "Don't believe everything you read on the internet." --Mark Twain } "My name isn't Mark Twain, it's" --Samuel Langhorne Clemens. ------------------------------ Date: Sun, 02 Feb 25 14:27:00 -0500 From: Internet Oracle Subject: Internet Oracularity #1610-04 Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which house is it on, and how do I get it down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, yes, Frisbeeterianism, the belief that your soul goes up on the } roof and gets stuck. Many people encounter the sign of this belief, but } few actually believe, especially to your level of faith. } } My advice? } } Prey. } } Prey??? YES!!! } } Adopt a bird of prey, such as a hawk or eagle and then you can prey for } success. You'll win an extra Frisbee, your neighbor's, that was stuck } up there with yours. } ========== REMAINDER OF ARTICLE TRUNCATED ==========